April19

April 19, 2004

Kerry and Helton in '04?
By Allison Wagda

This election year, soccer moms are taking a backseat
as NASCAR dads take the pole as the key swing
demographic. Democrats know the loyalty of NASCAR
fans and hope to exploit its middle class roots to turn
the tide in battleground southern states.

But can you imagine what would happen if the liberals
got a hold of NASCAR? Beer and hot dogs would soon
be replaced with mojitos and tofu- burgers. We’d all be wearing tie-dye instead of fan
gear (oh yeah, I wear tye-dye). And the drivers would go on strike every time NASCAR
made a bad call (that ain’t a bad idea actually…)

Just for fun, I put together my top 10 list of things I think the liberals would change
about NASCAR. Enjoy!

Top Ten Things Democrats Would Change About NASCAR

10.        Ban burnouts

9.         Make the pre-race prayer a “moment of silence”

8.         Invert the field halfway so “disadvantaged” cars could win

7.         Replace the pre-race military salute with a peace protest

6.         Tax the top 10 drivers more than the rest (oh wait…they already did that)

5.         Rename Jeff Gordon “JGo” and send him to Hollyweird

4.         Make scanners come with parental controls

3.         Rename the Daytona 500 the “Spotted Owl 500”

2.         Replace DW and Dick Berggren with Al Franken and Janeane Garofalo

1.         Two words: electric cars

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